Premarital Couples

There is no manual for a successful, long lasting marriage. However, when we learn what to expect and to develop proper communication and problem solving skills that are critical for relationship success, we can live harmoniously. We should also keep in mind that while all throughout history families helped their young people find someone to get married and didn’t worry so much about compatibility or training, the times we are living in are different.

• life is more complicated

• extended families used to provide complete support for a couple

• family ties were stronger than today

• divorce always had a stigma but that is much less so today

• people are harried and rushed, as time is speeding up

• everybody feels stressed

• many young people are conditioned by society to expect instant gratification

​

Given all these factors that predispose people to not being too picky when selecting a spouse, we have to emphasize the importance of preparing well for marriage. Preparing well for marriage has many benefits, and one of the best ways to prepare is to engage in pre-marital coaching with one’s prospective spouse. This allows the couple to assess compatibility in a realistic and honest way. It brings to the table for consideration some of the important aspects about each other such as differences in social status, educational level, hobbies, tastes, or personality. If an individual knows that it is extremely difficult for him or her to accommodate in the prospective spouse any of these factors, at this stage it will be easier to end the relationship with minimal emotional and psychological cost.

•  Pre-marital coaching/training allows important adjustments to be made during the engagement period. Rather than spending too much time focusing on the romantic aspect of the relationship, coaching/training puts some healthy realism into the engagement period. The couple begins to look beyond physical and emotional infatuation. In fact, the desire to please each other, which is natural during this period, becomes an important asset for the couple to set rules from the beginning on how they will build a successful marriage. It is much easier to make adjustments during the engagement period because each person is more open and eager to consider other perspectives and views.

•  Pre-marital coaching/training provides the tools to navigate through the many challenges of marriage. Most of us enter an engagement or marriage with some degree of fantasy, irrational ideas, destructive habits, negative past conditioning and unrealistic expectations. When we marry, these ideas, habits and thoughts may well instigate conflict.  Couples who undertake premarital education are more skilled at conflict resolution. They are more capable of handling their differences and working them out constructively. Furthermore, many couples report positive changes after their education, particularly in the area of communication skills. Learning relationship skills and developing them is essential to a lifelong successful marriage journey.

• Pre-marital coaching/training helps the future children lead a happy life. One of the best gifts well-prepared parents can give their children is the experience of growing up in a family blessed with their parents’ happy marriage. When parents love each other in a mature and healthy way, children feel safe and secure. They will have a strong foundation to face life’s challenges with a sense of confidence and optimism.

​

Married/Committed Couples

At the University of Minnesota, a social science professor named William Doherty found that marriage counseling is effective between 70-80% of the time, and objectivity is the turning point. You probably think that you know yourselves very well, but you may not as well as you think. There is a tendency to seek help later instead of the moment it’s an issue, even a slight one. To take advantage of the benefits of couples counseling, it’s definitely one of those “do it sooner rather than later” situations.

By letting a problem sit and go unattended for years and years, you will inevitably develop harmful behavioral patterns and maladaptive coping mechanisms. Trust us when we say that you do not want to deal with those.

​

For example, would you rather get an oil change regularly or just wait and replace the whole engine?

​

Just because you haven’t gotten to the point where you are screaming at each other, being violent, or cheating does not mean you won’t benefit from couples counseling. Whatever the problem is, whatever you are struggling with, you deserve a relationship full of happiness and joy, not anxiety and frustration.

​

Couples counseling can also provide a safe space for both members to talk about anything and everything that’s going on in their relationship. This includes the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It can be therapeutic for both parties to share what’s been on their minds, especially if they have been holding onto their feelings for a long time. This is why it’s so important to find a therapist or life coach, who allows both members of the couple to talk openly and freely, without judgment or bias. Keep in mind that it might take a few sessions before you feel comfortable

opening up to your coach, but it will be worth it in the end.

​

Lastly, going on a couples counseling session can help enhance your personal growth as an individual and as a member of your relationship together. It will allow you to explore different aspects of your life that might not have been previously explored.

These can include hobbies, goals, past experiences, existing fears, etc., that you might be afraid to address with your partner otherwise.

​

Dating Singles

Let's face it! A lot of people are not impressed at all with the selection of fish in the dating pool. While it can be frustrating when you are looking for love and it can be a bit scary to open up and commit to the wrong person, there are ways to minimize the impact and rate of emotional risks that you expose yourself to.  Admitting that maybe your type is not the healthy kind, maybe you keep having the same kind of relationships but with different people, or your attachment style may be contributing to trying to do the right things with the wrong one. Developing vetting skills are essential in the world of dating. Especially these days where many people are feeling unsafe and uncertain about opening up to love, trust and commitment. 

​

It’s important to think about how this might seriously affect your dating life.

You have to date with intention rather than being mindless about every decision you make.

​

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Character vetting appears as a lost art in our times. But history proves how crucial it is for any healthy intimate relationship. We humans crave close connections. That’s true even for folks whose traumatic past makes them understandably leery. Sadly, too many folks unwittingly re-traumatize themselves by entering a relationship without sufficient character vetting.

​

A lot of things can get in the way of sound character vetting. And because of its importance, I think it imperative to speak to a few of the major ones:

• Wishful thinking. Most of us want to think the well of others. We’d like to think others share our values. And we’d like to believe that love can conquer all. We would also like to trust; especially what others tell us. But in the words of the famous Russian proverb, we should “trust but verify.” In other words, take someone at their word alright, but still check things out. Some folks are very good impression managers. They know how to look good and make a good case. But their behavioral history speaks louder than their words. And past behavior is the single best predictor of future behavior.

• Simple inattention. Some folks just don’t think about character very much anymore. They don’t give it the importance we more universally did. Entering a relationship, they pay attention to a lot of things besides character. I’ve heard it all. “He makes me laugh.” “She has the sweetest smile.” “We both love football.” It goes on and on. These things are nice. But they can’t possibly make for a lasting meaningful relationship.

• Too much “understanding”. This one might seem contradictory. How could too much understanding be bad? What I’m talking about here is not understanding of someone’s character. It’s showing to much understanding about their behavioral history and the rationalizations they might offer for it. Some folks are adept at making convincing cases for past “mistakes.” But while true mistakes are simply part of being human, repeated maladaptive behavior patterns are quite another thing. They almost always reflect the nature of someone’s character.

​

​

​

​

​

​